Dear Papa,
Something changed inside of me. I don't know if this is what people mean when they say "let life takes its own course" "time will heal". I don't know but I realize, a week back I was thinking about you and there was no tight knot in my neck and chest. The one that threatens to burst but never does come undone. The kind that makes you want to shed a few tears just so that it dissolves somewhat but never does. It is physically painful and it refuses to go away. Its something you carry for a long time thinking that at some point there will be enough tears to make it come undone. And just when you need them, your tears also desert you. You want to cry but not a single drop, no burning of the eyes. Its just that heavy load you carry for days like a knot in your chest.
Sometimes I found that something that still bound me to you. I enjoy that pain in a way because it is a stark reminder of the bond that we have. Had.
So finally some time last week when I thought about you the tears came freely without pain and there was no knot. I still mourned you and I still have regrets. Things that I wanted you to see, things that I wanted to say. Times that I lost out on. Times that will not never be. I have all of that but no pain. I think you of all people would have liked to hear that. You of all people who has been to finely attuned to everything that is in me and everything that I am no matter what the distance. I wish I knew how much I love you back then. I hope you know how much I love you and always will.
With bear hugs that are all mine, I will keep them till I see you next, along with all the conversations that are in me only for you.
Love you
Chuti-muti
Something changed inside of me. I don't know if this is what people mean when they say "let life takes its own course" "time will heal". I don't know but I realize, a week back I was thinking about you and there was no tight knot in my neck and chest. The one that threatens to burst but never does come undone. The kind that makes you want to shed a few tears just so that it dissolves somewhat but never does. It is physically painful and it refuses to go away. Its something you carry for a long time thinking that at some point there will be enough tears to make it come undone. And just when you need them, your tears also desert you. You want to cry but not a single drop, no burning of the eyes. Its just that heavy load you carry for days like a knot in your chest.
Sometimes I found that something that still bound me to you. I enjoy that pain in a way because it is a stark reminder of the bond that we have. Had.
So finally some time last week when I thought about you the tears came freely without pain and there was no knot. I still mourned you and I still have regrets. Things that I wanted you to see, things that I wanted to say. Times that I lost out on. Times that will not never be. I have all of that but no pain. I think you of all people would have liked to hear that. You of all people who has been to finely attuned to everything that is in me and everything that I am no matter what the distance. I wish I knew how much I love you back then. I hope you know how much I love you and always will.
With bear hugs that are all mine, I will keep them till I see you next, along with all the conversations that are in me only for you.
Love you
Chuti-muti
