Papa,

Today it is snowing here and I was out walking with Mehr enjoying the white pristine. There was a rush of memories about Dalhousie. About times gone by and about opportunities lost about time not spent well enough. Why  do I only have regrets when I think about you and how you are not here.
I want to talk about curtains and Mehr and Dhruv and the house and my aspirations and ambitions and things that are going right and things that are not.
You know I rarely watch cricket now. I rarely listen to songs that I have come to associate only with you. There is so much that I associate in my life with you. You introduced me to so much that I now enjoy.

I love you and I should be glad to have had you for as long as I did. May be this was all that there could be. But I still yearn for more. I hope you are happy and peaceful where ever you are. I hope you can see me, us and all that we are bumbling in and out of in our daily lives.

I will always love you. And I am coming to terms with the fact that I will always miss you and have these regrets.

Love
Chuti-muti  

Its been three years.
Things have not gotten any easier but I have gotten better at hiding it.
I have learned how to resolve that knot in my throat without crying as release.
How to blink away tears before they gather in my eyes.
How to talk on the phone without missing a note with tears streaming down your face.
How to talk to Mehr about you without the fear of breaking down.
Letting her in on some of my sadness and longing.
Telling her how much you would have loved her, her incessant chatter, her never ending linked questions.
I remember how your hands felt the last time I touched them.
I still remember and castigate myself for not going straight to the hospital from airport. You stopped talking a couple of hours before I met you. which was a good 6-7 hours after I landed in B'lore.
All the times when I fought with you and all the times that I no longer can.
All the times that we spent together and all the times that I can no longer.
You have not seen Dhruv or have you? Why is that such a thing in my head?

I want you back here in my life, I want to hear your smile when I talk to you in your voice. I want to hold your hand and feel its vastness and warmth.

I love you and I will always miss you.