Dear papa,

I am writing to you after such a long time. I am down and I am crushed and very much beaten. We all want to matter in our lives through various channels. I want to matter. I want my work to matter. I want to do valuable work and for my work to be valued. At this point I am loosing and I have lost a lot.

There are not a lot of people who believe in my potential or even see it. But you did Papa. You always did. And I can not let the rest of the world's belief or even a few individuals belief weigh yours out. Please give me the strength to find inspiration and strength and wisdom.

Please help me see the light. Please help me forge my way. 

I miss you so much papa. I feel like you would know what to say and what to do and what does it all mean? What am I missing? 

Chuti-muti

Dear Papa,

Today I feel deflated. There are things that you consider to be your work ethic and you think that it is something that is appreciated and valued. What you don't know is that there is an easier way out.
There are other people who are not good and are vile and vicious and they get to ride into the sunset like the valued members of the team who will be missed. All the while giving you random gyan about being tactful and considerate.

All the while where your immediate leadership is sharpening their tools to chop the legs off from under you. Today I feel deflated. Today all that I thought I did to save my vision and my team comes to an end. We lost today. I lost today. I was the only one fighting to keep this alive and now it is gone.

I pour so much of myself into my work and nothing. There has to be some place that needs what I have to offer. All of what I have to offer. 

Dear papa,

I feel hurt, angry, disillusioned and disappointed. I don't know if I am being petty or not. 

Dear Papa,

We are living in crazy times, confined to our homes, working and educating and learning to deal with the new normal from home. I miss you. Anytime that I see or read something that deeply resonates with me I think of you. Sharing it with you and then I am reminded by the stark realization that it will no longer be possible to do so. I have no recording of your voice. Your laugh, your smile and the way you called my name and how you always just knew how I was feeling with Hello.

If for nothing else I want to believe in afterlife and religion because I want to talk to you again, see you again and be with you again with all the shared context of our lives. I want to think and imagine that you are looking over me and looking at how I am doing life. If only there was a way to be in touch and to talk. At the end of the day if I could have that I would feel happier.

I should be glad and I am glad and grateful to have had this relationship with you. I just wish there was more time.

With love
Chuti-Muti