Dear Papa,

It crushes my heart when I hear people say don't sweat the small stuff.

It just means that what is bothering me is small to you isn't it?  This world has so many well intentioned ways to diminish your spirit!

Shruti

 Dear papa,

I am writing to you after such a long time. I am down and I am crushed and very much beaten. We all want to matter in our lives through various channels. I want to matter. I want my work to matter. I want to do valuable work and for my work to be valued. At this point I am loosing and I have lost a lot.

There are not a lot of people who believe in my potential or even see it. But you did Papa. You always did. And I can not let the rest of the world's belief or even a few individuals belief weigh yours out. Please give me the strength to find inspiration and strength and wisdom.

Please help me see the light. Please help me forge my way. 

I miss you so much papa. I feel like you would know what to say and what to do and what does it all mean? What am I missing? 

Chuti-muti

Dear Papa,

Today I feel deflated. There are things that you consider to be your work ethic and you think that it is something that is appreciated and valued. What you don't know is that there is an easier way out.
There are other people who are not good and are vile and vicious and they get to ride into the sunset like the valued members of the team who will be missed. All the while giving you random gyan about being tactful and considerate.

All the while where your immediate leadership is sharpening their tools to chop the legs off from under you. Today I feel deflated. Today all that I thought I did to save my vision and my team comes to an end. We lost today. I lost today. I was the only one fighting to keep this alive and now it is gone.

I pour so much of myself into my work and nothing. There has to be some place that needs what I have to offer. All of what I have to offer. 

Dear papa,

I feel hurt, angry, disillusioned and disappointed. I don't know if I am being petty or not. 

Dear Papa,

We are living in crazy times, confined to our homes, working and educating and learning to deal with the new normal from home. I miss you. Anytime that I see or read something that deeply resonates with me I think of you. Sharing it with you and then I am reminded by the stark realization that it will no longer be possible to do so. I have no recording of your voice. Your laugh, your smile and the way you called my name and how you always just knew how I was feeling with Hello.

If for nothing else I want to believe in afterlife and religion because I want to talk to you again, see you again and be with you again with all the shared context of our lives. I want to think and imagine that you are looking over me and looking at how I am doing life. If only there was a way to be in touch and to talk. At the end of the day if I could have that I would feel happier.

I should be glad and I am glad and grateful to have had this relationship with you. I just wish there was more time.

With love
Chuti-Muti

Dear Papa,

I wish you were here. I miss you when I want to share a triumph and I miss you when I am beaten down and hurting. I miss you anywhere in between that spectrum. Is it my imagination and projection that you could just pick up on my thoughts and mood with just the hello over the phone across all the distance?

Is it my imagination that your hand on my head and your hug could drive away every worry and fear and foe real or imaginary? There is no one in this world who would or could ever love me like you did and there is no one that I would love like I loved you.

With you a part of me that you brought out is also lost and sometimes I miss that part of me.
Lately I have been so very beaten and lost and needy that I don't know how I can crawl out of this space.

Death is the ultimate full stop. And now all that I have is regrets and memories.

I love you papa and I miss you very very much

Chuti-muti

Dear Papa,

I don't know if we would have had this conversation face to face but now that I am getting this opportunity then why not. I am in love, after what seems to be a very long time. This thing that I am so exhilarated with is my work front. I am loving this phase in my life. My work is appreciated and is instrumental in making things happen in context. My opinion is sought and heard and listened to. I manage and advise other people.

I know what is going on around me. I like the people that I am working with. I genuinely  ...

This is something I wrote but it never got sent. It was a draft that is just here. Got left behind. And as all good things come to an end this love affair seems to have ended and what I am left with is heart break. What I had to offer and what I did to bring up my new team was rejected. It is a step down. It feels like it.

This is not the first time it will happen either. Nor will this be the last time. I want to be in a place where I am not jaded enough that I do not put my heart into things that I am involved in. Where is the fun in that? I am sad and heartbroken but will that make me hold back? I certainly hope not. Will this make me toxic as a person? As I tell myself this is not the first or the last unfair thing that has happened or will happen.

I should have posted it when I was happy and excited. But it never made it out of the draft folder. Maybe this is the right time to put a closure on it. I want to leave this hurt behind and open my heart to another kind of hurt, something new to invest my emotions in. Get ready for my heart to broken again. Where is the fun in living if all we end up doing is protecting our heart? All it would do it keep it away from all joys and all kinds of fun, connection and true belonging.

I love you and miss you every day. I think you would have loved to see some of the things that I am doing and possibly would be proud of some of it.

Love
Shruti