Missing Papa

 I am watching you've got mail with my son. He is 10. You haven't met him. This bothers me so much. I have learnt to live with this fact but it bothers me. You have seen Mehr and held her. 

The plot in the movie has an element of the daughter missing her mother as she is closing her store. Its fleeting to the main plot. It always tugs at me. She is lucky to have this beautiful relationship with her parent. She misses that love in her life. Just like me. I have known how beautiful it is to be loved and cherished. I miss it. I miss that closeness, the call the way I would feel seen and heard.

I wish my children have that or even half of that with me and Bhumi. If they do I will feel fulfilled.

It has been 13 years. The word or the feeling associated with being cherished makes me think of you. I am blessed to know what it feels like. I miss it now and I will miss it for as long as I live. 

Until we meet again!

 Dear Papa,

I need help. I need to get to a better place with peace. At times like these I am reminded of who I am and what do I care about, value and stand for.

I value:

• Authenticity
• Courage
• Growth and Learning
• Creating meaningful impact

I need to be in the right frame of mind to take on whatever lies ahead.

I have to not desert the team when they need me also.

Please give me the strength and wisdom to do the right thing and do justice to who I am.

Love

Chuti-Muti

 I had a weak moment earlier today.

I needed some strength and composure that I was not able to find within myself. I have missed the therapeutic powers of writing. After recognizing that I needed help I asked for help.

There was not a lot of time but somehow I was able to center myself and act in the capacity of force multiplier and not a diminisher.

I believe in narrative identity and I have been thinking about who am I?

And I really started answering it as who I am not...

I am not what I do. Who I am, I bring to whatever I do.

I am someone who embraces the Rookie mindset where learning beats knowing  as I ride the growth curve.

A self identified multipotentialite is someone with many interests and creative pursuits 

 Dear Papa,

I miss you so much today. I feel like I need a hug to take away this cold hard dampness that I am feeling in the center of my being. Thinking of you makes me feel more lonely. 

I hope you are happy where you are and at peace!

I miss you dearly everyday. Can you see me from where you are? Are you proud of who I am becoming and the choices I am making?

Please be my strength.

Please be my light.

Lots of love

Chuti-Muti

 Dear papa,

I watched 83 again this weekend. The story about India winning the first world cup. This week I also have a lot of memories popping up on FB from 2011 of India's second world cup win. That's the world cup win that we experienced together, from halfway across the world. I am so thankful that we got to do that together.

I miss you papa. You are a part of me, inside me. Help me navigate the next turn. Guide me and bless me.

Love

Chuti-Muti

 Dear Papa,

I have been putting off recording this talk for over a week. Today when everyone is asleep I am going to do it. What is important doing is importantly doing badly.

I want to do it well and I want to do it engagingly. Please be my strength. Please be my light.

Love you and miss you 

chuti-muti

 Dear Papa,

Ashu is here visiting. He is now a big man. Working and hustling all on his own. Working and living in a big city all by himself. Today I asked him if he wanted cinnamon roll and he had it by warming milk and dunking and soaking it in. Aapki Jalebi and Dudh ki yaad aa gayi. Dil bhar gaya.

There are times when you see glimpses of people you live in other people you live. Is that family? Is that love? Is that projecting your context and love? Does it matter what it is?

Pyar ko pyar hi rehne de koi naam na do.

It is my birthday, according to IST. Are you there somewhere papa? Can you see me? Are you watching over me? 

I miss you and think about you most days. I keep hearing that this gets better with time. The only thing that got better I think is that tears fall more freely. The knot in the throat is not painful. But that void is still there. I wonder if we meet again what will we talk about?

Did you really love me as much as I remember it?

Could you really read me as well as I think you did?

Does it matter what the truth was or is it more important what I felt and how I remember it?

Chuti Muti