Dear Papa,

I had another interview today. It went well I think, I have no idea how it went especially after the fiasco of the last one. I still have not heard back from them. I think its unprofessional but then thats neither here nor there. The good thing is that hopefully I will find out in a week about this one.

I think I did the right thing and went about it in the best way I knew how and accurately expressed and portrayed myself. If I don't get it then may I am not the right fit.

A lot happened since I started typing. I got a call that I will be offered a job and I am excited. I am hoping to get the offer sometime monday or tuesday in writing.

Yay to that. Love

Chuti Muti

Dear Papa,

I want you to guide destiny in this case.Talk about expectations but its not that I think mostly I just want to somehow unburden and unwind and this is definitely one of the ways for me to do that. Lately life has been so hectic and gives me a feeling that I am running around like a headless chicken and doing all these rounds, jumping through all the hoops and crossing all the ts... but I am not sure to what end.
There is frantic activity and to do lists but I am not sure if I have picked up things that are helpful or I have made any progress. More recently I have given an interview at a company and I think it would be an interesting opportunity and it looks promising. I have worked with them in the past and that has been a god experience from what I understand for both the parties. In fact they wanted me to apply for this position. So all this was very encouraging. Only I have not heard from them. That has led to a fair amount of anxiety and leaping to conclusions  to pits of despair.
I want a pause, perspective and purpose in life and I also want your blessings and love and above all you.

Love
chuti-muti

Papa,

I need you to lift me up in spirit and morale. I feel a little out of sorts more in the self pity mode. I know I have a lot of be happy about and I am. I just feel more out of it all now that before. I feel like I can not be anywhere and do anything and feel that sense of accomplishment. I feel like I am excluded from somewhere. Something that needed doing and I am out of it. My existence is not of use to anyone or anything in general or in particular.

There is nothing wrong about it but it hurt. The only scientist in the family that is serving the country. It felt exclusionary. Is this how life is going to be a little bit out of everything somewhat? At some point we have to be objective about it. Looking at life standing on the sidelines. Aaj phir dilko humne samjhaya.

I miss you papa, its true that you  may not be able to help me but having you with me was something I took for granted. Having you in my life is something I took for granted. I hope you knew how much I love you and miss you. I hope you are peaceful and happy where you are.

Love
Shruti

There are so many things that everyday remind me of you. They are a part of me only because of you. They are a part if me because they were a part of you. I miss you.
Mansi and its thought is not the same without you.
Mangoes
Roses
Fishes
My Fair Lady
Music
and all things big and small...

Dear Papa,

If I knew the last time I saw you would be the last time I ever would, I would never have let you go.

Shruti

I have been meaning to come and talk to you. My typing here is my version of talking to you. I wish there was a more real version but that is not possible at least not now and I just have to make do with form of communication till I see you next.

I feel I am jumping at anything and everything that is happening around me, I don't know how I should go about it? What if I am really not that good and what I am expecting from myself is not all that great?! The only problem with it is that I think I want to be. I also want to be. I also want answers to all my questions I want some balance and perspective and I don't know what to do or how to go about it.

I should be able to handle it. Am I doing the right thing?

I need some guidance and a big bear hug :)

Miss you a lot.


  

Dear papa,

I am not sure about if what I am going to do is the right thing to do. I wish I could get a word from you.  I wish I could get a chance to talk it through with you. Nothing helps me think as well as talking it with you. Its possible that I am scared, I may be drifting farther and farther away and this may be a point of no return. That need not be a bad thing in itself but may just be a defining moment in this journey.

Seeking your blessings and looking out for your sign.
Love Always
Shruti

Dear Papa,

Something changed inside of me. I don't know if this is what people mean when they say "let life takes its own course" "time will heal". I don't know but I realize, a week back I was thinking about you and there was no tight knot in my neck and chest. The one that threatens to burst but never does come undone. The kind that makes you want to shed a few tears just so that it dissolves somewhat but never does. It is physically painful and it refuses to go away. Its something you carry for a long time thinking that at some point there will be enough tears to make it come undone. And just when you need them, your tears also desert you. You want to cry but not a single drop, no burning of the eyes. Its just that heavy load you carry for days like a knot in your chest.
Sometimes I found that something that still bound me to you. I enjoy that pain in a way because it is a stark reminder of the bond that we have. Had.

So finally some time last week when I thought about you the tears came freely without pain and there was no knot. I still mourned you and I still have regrets. Things that I wanted you to see, things that I wanted to say. Times that I lost out on. Times that will not never be. I have all of that but no pain. I think you of all people would have liked to hear that. You of all people who has been to finely attuned to everything that is in me and everything that I am no matter what the distance. I wish I knew how much I love you back then. I hope you know how much I love you and always will.

With bear hugs that are all mine, I will keep them till I see you next, along with all the conversations that are in me only for you.

Love you
Chuti-muti 

Dear papa,

I am scared, I am anxious but I am equally certain I need to push through. I need to get over with this process that has been set in motion.

Shruti

Papa,

I miss you everyday. I wish you can see me and all of us from up there. Please guide me and be my strength. Don't let me stray. Help me be the person I want to be, the person I thought you were when I was younger. Someone I think you would be proud of and be worthy of being yours and mummy's. I hope that is not a tall order. If it is then I would rather strive for it than anything less than that. Please bless us and help us find meaning in our lives.

Love
Shruti

Dear papa,

If there is such a thing as a soul then the part that is exposed to my boss will have so many scars and open wounds on it that it would need to be amputated out. In order for the rest of it to survive. I am tired of having to protect it from the present environment.
I feel let down.I feel cheated out of learning and the training that I deserved. Also for taking this long to figure it all out. I hope when I am in a position of power what would I not like to be. I hope my memory serves me well. And I hope I also have vast reserves of strength to draw from to at least last me another 20 days.
I wish you were here. I wish you could just heal it all with your touch and your words and your voice of perspective. I am beginning to forget what you sound like. I hope there is some connection still active between us. I hope in between all of this I love you and always will.

Someday I would have liked you to see what I have become. Not at a point when I was down but at a point in life that I felt that you would have been proud of me. I now hope that you are watching and looking because that is one of my motivations in life to see pride in your eyes when you look at what I am trying to become. Some day we will trade stories of how life had been after you left. Till then I am going to make careful notes of all things thorough and all things that make me think of you. I want to share my accomplishments with you at some point. For now I am going to work on being accomplished.

Love

When the pain dies down...
It never dies down.

Papa,
It has not died down. Not yet. This pain still holds me and you together. I like holding on to it.

Dear Papa,

Wish me luck! I feel like a bag of nerves.

Love
Chuti-Muti