When the pain dies down...
It never dies down.

Papa,
It has not died down. Not yet. This pain still holds me and you together. I like holding on to it.

Dear Papa,

Wish me luck! I feel like a bag of nerves.

Love
Chuti-Muti

Dear papa,

The year is coming to an end. In a few days it will be a year since you are gone. It has been that long already. You are gone and life around me has picked itself up and moved on. It would seem I have done the same. Have I? Moved on? From you? I hope not. I have this pain that still connects me with you and its mine for you. I have not reached a place where I can think of you without pain of this loss. I am not sure if such a place exists. I am not sure if it does I can get there, or if I want to.

I wish there was more time for me with you. I don't know who I was being strong for? Last few months together that we spent we ended up being so argumentative. I was on some quest to help you lead a more meaningful life. Because that is what we expected of you. I don't know if you knew this. Or if you felt this was how it was going to be. I wish I had the courage to tell you how much I loved you, how much I still do and how much I will always love you. You will always be my hero and I will always be proud of you. For all the times when I wanted you to be better and told you so, there have been many other numerous times when you have filled my heart with joy and pride just by being you. Life is too short to get people to conform into our expectations of them. Life is too short to not love each other for who we are. Life proved to be too short for me to love you and for you to know that I love you. I hope and wish that Mehr gets to know you. I don't know how but I wish she does. I wish she gets one person in her life that you have been for me. If it is me then I will be thankful to god for giving me this opportunity to pass it on.

Merry Christmas papa. Do you have Christmas parties there too? and does Santa come on a fire engine or a Jonga or any other fauji piece of originality? We have finally put up a tree thanks to Mehr. Would you come along and pay us a visit? Is it too painful and a logistical nightmare for you and the bureaucracy up there to arrange it? Is that why death is so final? Because people have not yet figured out how to work around the red tape that saparates life from death?

Love
Shruti

Dear papa,

I was watching tanishq adds one after the other and it made me think of you somehow. Not that we have shopped from there a lot or anything like it. Its possibly because those adverts are made to make one feel cherished and that's how I felt with you- cherished. You were not a king but I was definitely your princess. I miss that and I miss you. I hope you are well and you can see things that we do. I hope you are watching over us, all of us. I wish you were here. I hope you know how much I love you. I need your strength tomorrow and I will be drawing from it.

Love
me

Dear Papa,

I am beginning to find new things about what I can do with my life. It is almost like an adventure. I choose to look at it like that. Everything will get better and I will be better equipped to create myself the way I wish to be. The way you taught us to want to be.

With love and more
Shruti

Dear papa,

I sometimes wonder, did you know that Bhumi and Mehr were coming to see you too. Mehr could not come because she did not have a VISA and Bhumi had to stay back with her. Would you have waited had you known? Would you have waited if I had not come when I did? Would you have waited for me? Were you waiting for me? I miss you papa. Everytime when I want your hand on my head. Everytime the world crushes me or tries to. Everytime there is a joy and bubble, everytime there is knotted yarn to untangle. everytime my hands are too cold, everytime my feet are too cold. Everytime I look at anything that we have talked about. Everytime I see something new that I want to share with you.

I will always love you papa. Always. I hope and wish that you are happy where you are. I promise I will take care of mummy and didya and didi and all that is ours.
Don't miss me too much. but do miss me a little. Everytime I get hiccups I would know that you are thinking of me.

Dear papa,

There is so much in my life that I could have used your advice on. I wish I could talk it over with you. Its not like you would have known what to do but at least you would have been here. Sometimes that is all the strength I have needed. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I am seeking your blessings. Please help me become a better worker, a better leader, a better follower, a better professional, a better mother, life-partner, a better human.
I hope you are fine. I hope you do look up on me sometimes. I look up to you all the time in my head, in my memories, in my heart. You are always a part of me. You probably have no idea how much I have loved you and still do. May be you do. Help me be strong and do the right thing. I need your love, your faith and your blessings. I need to feel your hand on my head, to smooth away all my worry lines that are etched inside not out.

Love, love and more love
Chuti-muti